Where are You?
When I got back from my home stay I felt emotionally drained. Tears had to constantly be held back, I just didn’t have anything left in me. The full two weeks of being in Africa had finally taken their toll.
It seemed that every little thing that could go wrong did. The frustrations were building. My mind was racing, not only with what I’ve experienced here so far, but also with so much of my past and future. I was spent.
We were given time to simply sit back and process & I knew that not only was that necessary for me to do, it was also going to hurt.
When I finally sat down with my journal this is what came out:
“God, I mean this with all respect & love. For I know you are good & just. I know you love far greater than I imagine. I know you want what’s best for me, and all of us. I know you are sovereign & strong. You are holy, You are worthy, You are everything.
But I have to ask; Where are you???
Where are you here in Africa? The amount of suffering is astounding. I know you love these people, I know your heart breaks for them… I can feel a fraction of that…. But why isn’t your love shown on a greater scale? Why are there children who have never experienced affection? Why are there so many who are literally hopeless? Where is your nurturing heart?
All I keep hearing is “It’s in you”…. But quite frankly…. I’m not strong enough! I don’t have enough compassion, I don’t care enough, I’m apathetic, I’m cold, I’m selfish, I’m broken, I’m empty, I’m useless. How can you expect so much from me?”
Please understand that those are my innermost thoughts & struggles. I’m not telling everyone this in order for them to be contradicted. I’m simply putting them out there to show my vulnerability knowing that others will understand.
When I ask God: Where are you? I know the truth… He’s right there in the midst of it all & more importantly, He’s inside of me…. But that’s where I struggle with how bad of a representative I am. If the world sees Him through me, why is that not more evident in my life? But of course, ultimately it will come down to me asking Him where He is, like it’s His fault I don’t see Him working.
While all of this was going on a song called “I Still Believe” by Jeremy Camp came on & the lyrics have always been fitting for moments like this so I thought I would share….
Scattered words and empty thoughts
seem to pour from my heart
I’ve never felt so torn before
seems I don’t know where to start
but it’s now that I feel Your grace falls like rain
from every fingertip, washing away my pain
[Chorus:]
I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your holy word
even when I don’t see, I still believe
Though the questions still fog up my mind
with promises I still seem to bear
even when answers slowly unwind
it’s my heart I see You prepare
but its now that I feel Your grace fall like rain
from every finger tip, washing away my pain
The only place I can go is into your arms
where I throw to you my feeble prayers
in brokeness I can see that this was your will for me
Help me to know You are near
Please don’t think that I’ve been stuck in this crazy emotional state, because I’m not. I needed to take the time to cry, vent and question. But the truth is so deeply rooted in my heart. I am a child of the Most High God & He has chosen to use me. My faults & insecurities will not prevent Him from walking along side as He works in me & through me. I feel His hand on my life, I sense His guidance & am astounded by His favor.
He is my God. He is my truth. He is my hope & He is my joy. Even in the depth of the sorrow that surrounds me HE IS THERE.
I'm a Canadian girl currently travelling the world.... This is what I see, experience and know. These are the thoughts running through my mind and hopes I'm willing to share.
